So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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