Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
