Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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