apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
