Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
