I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
