I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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