if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize