just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
