No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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