woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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