thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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