Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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