You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
