Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I smell like Dick and happiness
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