i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
