So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
