How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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