I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
