I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
