i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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