I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
