omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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