hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
