i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
