why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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