ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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