he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
