This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
