I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
