I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize