dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
