I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
