Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
