forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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