I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
