I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
