she looked like the bat from fern gully.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
