proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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