I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
