Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
