If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
