If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
