then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
