We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
