Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
