I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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