Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
