cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
