I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There's even glitter on my cock...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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