Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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