What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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