yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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