We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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