Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
