i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
